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Je veux être la fille avec la plupart de gâteau. Regardez-moi dans la glace.

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02 January 2009

 

Roundups & Reflections

This week's Friday Sex Blog Roundup features some hot bloggers reminiscing about the past. Which got me thinking about The Year of yOur Lord, 2008.

I'm not normally a Best Of... kind of girl, but occasionally, especially since I'm so self-actualized (Thanks, therapy!), I wax nostalgic. Things you can learn from your past, and all that.

So.

You know the feeling you get when you can't remember when you spoke with someone last, and you're kind of okay with it? And you realize that, well, maybe you don't miss them quite as much as you always thought you might?

I've had a few of those this year.

It's sort of like the relationship that ended even though--or maybe because--you needed the other person like oxygen--like air. The aching and longing, the torturous suffering and heart-rending seems to last forever until you realize, one day, that you haven't thought about him at all. And you feel a little stronger for it.

The latter is pretty self-affirming. It's a Gloria Gaynor kind of feeling. A dance-around-the-house-pumping-fists kind of feeling. An I don't need you, check my shit out, I Am Sasha Fierce, Bitch kind of feeling. The former just leaves you hollow and sad, wishing you cared more than you do, and sort of ambivalent about picking up the phone because, hey, you've made it this many days/weeks/months without involving yourselves in each others lives, and things are mostly fine.

And dealing just takes so much effort.

You live your life, because that's what people do. And eventually, when a boy holds back telling you that he loves you--and you actually want him to say it, and would probably return the sentiment even though it freaks your shit out--you understand that the person you thought you needed like air would have likely suffocated you in the end.

I wish you all a Happy New Year. May all your wishes become horses. Do the work if you wanna ride.

6 Comments:

Blogger Wendy Blackheart said...

Damn. You just verbalized exactly how I've been feeling about the end of a very long friendship I just went through this year with one of my closest friends.

The moment I realized my life hadn't actually changed since we stopped speaking in September, and that maybe I wasn't as upset as I thought I should be sucked quite royally.

1/02/2009  
Blogger Neysa Lee said...

It's sort of like the relationship that ended even though--or maybe because--you needed the other person like oxygen--like air. The aching and longing, the torturous suffering and heart-rending seems to last forever until you realize, one day, that you haven't thought about him at all. And you feel a little stronger for it.

I'm really hoping and wanting and needing to get to this point with a certain someone on the West Coast. And I know two things: first, that it will happen, it really will; and second, that I can't make it happen any sooner than it's going to happen. What I don't know yet is how I will feel when it does happen. But really, how could it feel worse? In the meantime, I am alive and determined to appreciate that state of affairs.

Happy New Year to you and yours, Mlle. Glass.

1/02/2009  
Blogger O said...

This was just what I needed to read for some reason.

Thank you.

happy new year, btw!

O

1/04/2009  
Blogger marianne said...

Yes... each time you think of never speaking to him again you feel like you're suffocating ... and then one day, it's just a little regret... and finally, it just no longer matters. Your life is full enough without him, and everyone is still breathing just fine.

1/09/2009  
Anonymous Z said...

It's a process of culling - the ones that count are the ones that don't fizzle out, but remain, even when the relationship changes :)

And thanks for the Fleshbot!

1/10/2009  
Blogger having my cake said...

^^^
Wot she said. About the lovers and the Fleshbot :)

But it takes two. Great to have lovers that become friends when they make the effort to keep it alive as well. So awful to have a friendship that just becomes an extension of what was once a one-sided love affair.

1/10/2009  

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