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Je veux être la fille avec la plupart de gâteau. Regardez-moi dans la glace.

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10 November 2008

 

If.

A couple weeks ago I had a phone conversation with Aaron, my Californian Friend-in-Fornication (That's so much nicer than Fuckbuddy, don't you think?). He'd told me about a girl he was seeing, and I asked about their date the night before. He told me all about her: she's smart, funny, enthusiastic with the blowjobs and a tad clingy. I understood immediately. I know that type.

I also know this: I can't tell Aaron about anyone I'm seeing, or he'll get jealous. We both know this, and I've gotten accustomed to not bringing up sex I've had with other people. It's not like I see him more than a couple times a year anyway, so why bother with/worry about all that? We've known each other forever. I've had sex with him now for more years than I was married, but I can count the number of movies we've seen together on two fingers. Our relationship pretty much defines the "It's Complicated" status on Facebook.

But I started to wonder, what would happen to that relationship if he got serious and exclusive with someone? What would happen if I did? It seems wrong that we would just not ever see each other again.

So I, in a premenstrual funk and against my better judgment, started that conversation.

In the midst of my mediating arguments between kids, taking special requests for dinner, and removing a splinter from the foot of an eight-year-old, I asked what might happen if we found ourselves in that solution.

And somewhat to my surprise, he came up with a great solution: If either of us decides to be monogamous, we'll have a last fling in Vegas.

Nice, right?

He said this: He doesn't see himself becoming exclusive with anyone, any time soon (me, neither, except I find myself thinking about that more and more); he thinks I'm hilarious and fucking smart and we have incredible sexual chemistry.

I don't see a future with him, seriously, but I'm not comfortable with the idea of just tossing him aside like yesterday's crossword.

I am not comfortable tossing people aside.

Which is why, last week, I got a little freaked out when my friend (with whom I have not had sex) Luke put his arms around me and said, "I like you a lot."

And I like him. But I don't think I like him "a lot." So now what?

There are people I like a lot, but here I go, getting emotional and forgetting to live in the moment. Thinking about what ifs.

I like my life just fine, at present, but I think I could enjoy it a whole lot more.

And, you know, I've never been to Vegas.

5 Comments:

Anonymous Chrissy said...

Oh man, you're so going to hate me for this Madeline but there really is something to that scene in "Something's Gotta Give" when Diane Keaton's character looks at her daughter after her daughter has spouted off about "this is why you have to self-protect..." and Diane Keaton says "Oh please, you don't really believe that bullshit do you?"
Meaning, if you feel something, go with it. "What on Earth are you waiting for?"
And hey, you'll always have Vegas. ;-)

11/10/2008  
OpenID sapphirejay said...

I love when you get all thinky and introspective.

And i think Vegas for a last fling is a stonker of an idea. If you get time to buy tacky souvenirs, I'd love a plush-coated beermat or something.

Heh. :-)

Sapphire, the Elegant Slut

(PS Could you update the old link (Juno) to the new one (see below)? Thks babe.)

11/14/2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Madeline. This might sound strange, but since discovering your writing many years ago (through looking for the name of a poem, I might add!) i have unearthed and embraced my polyamorous self .. and felt no more misunderstood than before, but infinitely more complete! :-) Thank you.

I would like to send you a story I think you will like. How can I get in touch? love, little miss moonshine

2/19/2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

fuck it, here's the story ...

THE LAST TIME, AFTER I DECIDE TO SAVE MYSELF ...

He is tired in the morning as usual. But I can feel his long, thick and very very hard cock against my leg, as usual.

He tuts as I touch it .. He is not ready to be touched ... I spoon his lanky body from behind, he tucks himself in towards me, relishing my affection and the protection of my arms around him.

I kiss his milky white shoulders, scattered with the faintest freckles, hold him tighter. I can feel his cock pulsing, even tho it is nowhere near me. Somehow, I can just feel it in the rest of his body.

I reach my hand over his slender hips and wrap my hand around the rock hard appendage I think of all the time. I do so with precision, so that he does not get time to resist before he feels the warmth of my hand around it.

I leave my hand there and relax, enjoying encapsulating him from behind. I hope he can feel how much I love him.

His breathing quickens almost immediately, in the way it does that always lets me know he is highly aroused, even if he isn’t showing it. Other than with a raging hard-on .. But this is common.

His cock is hard and taught and super smooth .. beautiful to look at and beautiful to hold. I have never loved sucking a cock more than this one. His eyes shone wide, a look of schoolboy amazement on his face as I knelt before him the other day, and took him in my mouth so he could watch. He appreciates in French, the way he does without noticing, when he is losing control.

Today, I kiss his shoulders some more, the back of his neck, his ear ... He gasps and squirms .. I have never known another man who likes this more. I love it too .. It can bring me to orgasm .. Perhaps this is how I know how to make it work so well.

I release his cock from my gentle grasp and run my fingers over and around it. It pulses and twitches involuntarily .. He makes sharp intakes of breath and I see a little smile.

He pretends he is still half asleep ... I touch him some more until I can feel I am dripping wet ... I touch myself, brushing my hand over his on the way so he knows what I am doing , and then run my fingers slippery from my snatch around the head of his cock, the biggest part, that I can’t wait to feel piercing me.

He starts to reach for me, his eyes still closed, his heart pounding in his broad, thin chest.

I roll him on his back, and straddle him. He knows what’s coming. He tries to pull me onto him .. I resist, if he’s gonna be lazy I’m gonna do it my way!

I position myself on top of him – the head of his cock just against the entrance to my pussy. I lower myself a little bit, till it is stretching me, and I can feel it pulsing.

I lower myself some more .. To that sublime place where the thickest part of his cock is inside my slit just before the point before my tight pussy will render divine friction against the rod that is entering it.

I pump up and down, letting him in and out of me, until I slowly lower myself, moaning as I feel the friction and tightness of us together. I think he is right inside me, until I let my weight go and feel him filling me entirely. I gasp, I am termporarily incapacitated by the feeling of him inside me.

I rock against him gently .. my clit rubbing against his lean pubic bone. I could do this till I come .. but he can’t take any more.

Suddenly he is thrusting underneath me, holding my waist and ramming me down onto him as he trusts upwards, fast and hard, till I no longer feel in control and can think only of staying upright and how huge he feels inside me.

I don’t know what I will miss more – him, or the thing he won’t give me enough of. So beautiful. Tres strange.

2/19/2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You could be a vegas birthday cake with hot wax. I like to blow that out lol! Lilyh1958@gmail.com

4/03/2009  

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