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Je veux être la fille avec la plupart de gâteau. Regardez-moi dans la glace.
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12 July 2005



Does absence make the heart grow fonder? Without question. But I also know that it can make other bits ache as well.

Time for a little visit to my local sex shop.

I was looking for something in particular, so I called the national chain store first. They tend to have a wider selection, and I thought the chances were better they’d have what I was looking for: Rope. Silk or Hemp. Preferably in a pretty color.

“Uh, we have, um, restraints…”

“I’m looking for just rope. You know, like for Shibari?”

“…fer, whut? Um, ours have the wrist and ankle cuffs and a strap-thing.”

Christ on a stick, do I need to give a seminar to these people? How can you work in a sex shop and not know about bondage?

“Okay, thanks. I’ll check someplace else.”

I called the independent sex store in town. I’d taken Marcus there in April; it’s where I prefer to shop, supporting local businesses and whatnot. I dialed the number.

“Thanks for calling the Toybox; may I help you?!”

“Hi, I have a couple of questions for you. I’m looking for Bondage Rope. Preferably something that’s not nylon or cotton. And I’m not interested in cuffs; just the rope.”

“Okay, well, we have Japanese Bondage Rope—you know, for Shibari—which is silk and comes in Red or Purple. Except it’s on order. It should be in next week. Would you like me to save you some?”

“Maybe…do you have any Maximus lube in stock?”

“Yes, we’ve got two sizes. Oh, and that rope comes in three meters or five meters. And if you mention that you are experienced with BDSM you get a discount.”


“Okay, yeah, that’d be great. I’ve got some experience with that.”

“Great! You know, I thought the BDSM scene in this town would have been bigger, but what’s really taken off is the swinging community! There is a swingers club—“

“Excuse me?? Where is the swingers club?”

“Oh, twice a month there’s a guy who hosts parties at his house.


“Are you into that?”

“I could be, depending on the circumstances. I’d like to get some information first.”

“Why don’t you come by the shop this afternoon around four and I’ll print out some info for you. I know everyone in this city; and I am the most discrete person you’ll ever meet. Oh, and I can get you a good discount on toys!”

“Sounds great! I’ll be there later.”

“Looking forward to it. I’m Rob, the owner.”

“Madeline. See you then.”

After a couple hours at the pool I drove over to the store. I walked in and said hello to the guy behind the counter. I’d shopped here before; I knew who he was. Average height, light red hair, glasses, thin lips. If he’d had a better nose and cheekbones he’d look a bit like Conan O’Brien, whom I find really sexy.

Rob took me over to a corner to talk, as there was a couple shopping in the novelties section by the counter.

“So you said that you’re into men and women?”

“Yes. Are the parties couples-only?”

“No! In fact, as a single girl who’s into men and women, you’d be very popular. You have no idea. The next party is the beginning of August, and I just spoke with the host a couple hours ago. They’re looking for height/weight proportionate people, which you definitely are.”

“Cool. Well, that sounds great. It’ll be nice to be able to plan on regular sex.”

(My mother told me last week that I should be getting laid more regularly…I swear to dog.)

“If you’d like, we could be friends and even go to some parties together. Sometimes it helps put other women at ease if you’re part of a couple. And if you don’t mind my saying so, you have a beautiful body. I’d love for us to get together one-on-one and party sometime.”

“Well, let’s chat about it. I need to go get my kids from school now, but it’s been nice talking with you.”

He walked me up to the front of the store. That’s when I saw it.

The thing for which I have been pining for months.

The Holy Grail of vibrators.

The Rock Chick.

It was rotating on a lucite stand in all its purple silicone glory.

I gasped. Really. I actually gasped.

“Oh, you know what this is??”

(He gestured to the stand like a Price is Right girl.)

“Fuck, yes, I know what it is. I’ve been wanting one.”

“You would love it. Here. Feel it.”

This was akin to handing a bottle of hooch to an alcoholic. I cradled it in my hand. Turned it on. It was all I’d ever wanted in a vibrator: Smooth, curved, silicone and packing a nice buzz. Plus, we all know my affinity for purple sex toys.

“Very nice.”

He leaned in and whispered, “I’d love to use it on you. I’d love to watch your orgasms. You know, I only have one of these left. I’d give you a 'friend discount,' then split the cost with you. You’d only have to pay for half.”

“Wow…well, that’s something to think about. But I really must get going. Let’s chat later.”

He walked me to the door. Put his hand on my shoulder and kissed me goodbye.

On the drive home I was thinking:

Even though he doesn’t turn me on, could I ignore that fact if I’m getting what I want from him? If we’re honest about the sex part being just that, and nobody’s going to get emotional, wouldn’t it be nice to check out the parties and if we didn’t click as fuckbuddies, just to leave it at that? If the parties were good and the people were cool? Would that be a big deal?

What about the Rock Chick? Goddamn, I want that thing.

I got home and Marcus was online.

Madeline: Hi, you!

Marcus: hi! oh shit!

Madeline: oh shit what?

Marcus: john the doorman just pulled his dickhead up and out of his pants to show me

Madeline: nice!

Marcus: it was hard and very nice

Madeline: honey, i have a question for you.

Madeline: if you were a girl

Marcus: i leaned over and grabbed it

Marcus: yes go on

Madeline: (shut UP!)

Marcus: and it....

Madeline: …smiled at you?!

Marcus: sorry, go on

Madeline: you know the Rock Chick vibrator i've been coveting?

Marcus: yes

Madeline: so it's like 70 bucks

Madeline: if you were a girl and you had someone tell you they'd like to use it on you

Marcus: yes? god this is taking forever..

Madeline: and they'd give you a discount and then pay for 1/2 after that, would you whore yourself out to get it?

Marcus: how much would i have to spend in the end?

Madeline: about 25 bucks

Marcus: no fuckin way

Madeline: even if you got to keep it?

Marcus: baby, let me take you to Whoredom 101.

Madeline: hahahah! we don't pay for anything, right?

Marcus: you DONT PAY FOR GIFTS. And you accept them whenever they're offered!

Marcus: exactly.

Madeline: lol

Madeline: that's what i thought you’d say!

Marcus: especially when the person wants to use it on you!

Madeline: exactly!!

Marcus: they get the joy of doing that

Marcus: (that is worth WAY more than even $70)

Madeline: oh, Marcus.

Madeline: you're too sweet.

Marcus: so if he/she wants to stick that thing up you and watch you wriggle

Madeline: (i'm just looking at that thing online and it feels so good!)

Marcus: then it fuckin BETTER be worth it for them to spend $70 on that experience

Marcus: and YES you keep it when s/he is done

Madeline: I know you are right. I just really really want that vibrator.

Marcus: god, the things i have to teach you.

Marcus: that is why you need me as your pimp

Madeline: i so totally do!

Marcus: stupid bitch

Madeline: say it again.

Marcus: dont make me mad

Madeline: please say it again

Marcus: and DONT tell me what to do, you fuckin' CUNT!

Marcus: (slaps her face now)

Madeline: thank GOD!

Marcus: I’m done
Marcus signed off at 5:27:09 PM.

Sigh. That’s Marcus. Always looking out for me. And, you know, for the occasional queer doorman.


Blogger W. S. Cross said...

Your standards should be higher, you're too lovely to accept less than the best!

Blogger ThreeOliveMartini said...

lets just say.. if i were closer.. i WOULD pay the 70 dollars just to see you squirm..

and maybe let Marcus watch .. * eg*

Anonymous Mitzi said...

Oh Good Lord, that does it! I've been lurking around Toys in Babeland for months eyeing the Rock Chick.

You've pushed me over the edge.

I'm leashing the dog and strolling down to Mercer Street.

Blogger exile said...

well hell, he wants to use it on you, but he's not going to fuck you? if you're not attracted then it's win win.

do it, you know it's right up your ally.

but make him give it to you for free. think of it as a challenge.

we all await the story

Blogger Frenchy said...

please consider a weekly installment of whoredom lessons. That was fun!
toy seller will most likely be as self serving in sex as in life ; way not worth it in my book. but you knew that.

Blogger Kyle Stich said...

Sextoy Consumer Tip #32:

When looking for silky rope, head to your local fabric store. They usually carry a wide variety of drapery chord that works beautifully and is available in many textures. I bought 20 ft of silky red rope for about $5.00.

Anonymous R said...

You know... Rock Chick is only 35 bucks at Blowfish.

Just found your blog, enjoying it very much.

Anonymous epicure said...

Just found your blog. Interesting article! So did you get the rope and the Rock Chick after all?

Hmm.. shibari ropes in Japan comes in 7.5 to 8 meters. It's the standard length...

Blogger Madeline Glass said...

i just spent some time at your site...hmm, wonder where I'll be traveling with my book advance!
i did get the rock chick (35 bucks at!) and the rope. unfortunately, i don't care for the silk rope...too soft.
lesson learned, though. next time it's hemp!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

If you ever visit Orlando, Florida check out "The House" - a really nice Orlando Swingers Club.


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