“Your Bunny Rabbit is here.”
I had a sex toy sent to Jackson’s house. I work from home and it’s just not feasible sometimes to accept deliveries when someone is lying naked in my living room. Plus, you know, I’m trying to keep the amount of stuff my mail carrier knows about me to a minimum. The number of “discreetly packaged” items he’s hand delivered to my door, along with his general creepiness makes me throw up in my mouth a little.
Chatting with Meg on the phone the weekend before, she’d told me about her Rabbit. I admitted that I’d been curious, but never wanted to invest that kind of dough when there were so many different incarnations of the Original. Also, cute animals disguised sex toys are so not my fetish.
“So it’s really good, huh?” I queried, inspecting the lengths of miniblinds in WalMart and threatening my kids with ‘No swimming today if you run away from me again.’
Yeah, I’m that mom.
“Uh, yeah, it’s going to be a good review.”
“Alright, then, I’ll bite.”
I sent off for my own Rabbit that evening. I cleared the delivery with Jackson. I alerted my friends.
Madeline: so I’m waiting for my Internet-Enabled Rabbit to arrive. I’m looking for volunteers for my, um, research.
Viviane: I volunteer! I miss you! Besides, Jefferson gets too much play. How long do you have to wait before it comes?
Madeline: Priority Mail, bitches. It’ll be here in a couple days.
Mikey: I get to play with one of those in a couple of weeks. I’m trying very hard not to be intimidated.
Dacia: Oooh! Does this mean I can do you long distance?
Madeline: Yes, please.
So, a road trip on a rainy morning later, kids buckled in the back, I retrieved the bunny (discreetly packaged) from Jackson’s front steps. After stopping for some shopping we returned home. The boys were resting in their room and I was online with Meg.
Madeline: Holy Ass, this thing is heavy. Four AAs? I’m going to go broke. Or break my effing wrist.
Meg: I only use rechargeables. I’ve been using the same eight batteries forever.
Madeline: aw, man, and I only get 30 days of the Internet service with the toy. Then I have to, you know, pay for the shit.
Madeline: Okay, I’m trying this bitch in standalone mode.
I took the bigass purple shaft with the hot pink base and all the buttons. There are three variations, and two controls: one for the shaft rotation and another for the bunny vibration. I'm a simple girl. I get distracted if I have to think too much when I'm fucking. Even if I'm fucking myself.
As horny as I was, the toy was pretty pleasant, but I wasn’t overcome with love.
My girl parts don’t match up with the Rabbit’s ears or gyrating tip.
My G-spot is pretty shallow and close to the entrance of my vagina, and my clit—well, it’s higher than you’d imagine. When I stand naked in front of the mirror my clit faces forward. All this presents a slight angular challenge when faced with the eight inches of straight, unyielding Internet-Enabled Rabbit Vibrator.
I was disappointed, but not deterred. I am not a quitter. I realize that some things—sex toys included—are an acquired taste.
Over the next two days I gave the Rabbit several more chances.
I used my Dynamic Duo bullets and silicone dildo as foreplay, inserting and turning on the Rabbit only when I was good and worked up, trying to bend it a little in every direction to gain simultaneous access to my clit and G-spot.
I turned on just the clit-tickling bunny and turned it upside down so the ears were pointed toward my ass, rubbing my clit that way.
I inserted the shaft just a couple of inches and turned on the rotations, trying to get at my G-spot. Really, all I got was frustrated.
I decided to try the vibe with a partner. Because, you know, jerking off is more fun that way. Plus, I thought the technology was pretty damn awesome and I loved the idea of having my friends remotely control my sex toys.
And it is very cool.
The toy connects to the computer via serial cable. Not a problem for PCs, but, hello, my iBook doesn’t have a serial port. No problem, I could still connect the toy to my desktop PC, but I’d much rather be lying next to my laptop in my bed. Not in the middle of my living room.
The aforementioned free trial is only 30 days, both parties have to register (yes, Meg did it, and that’s why she rocks) and give credit card information and all that, which sucks because you know they’re making a killing on people who try it once and forget to cancel their memberships. Duh. Of course I set up a reminder for 29 days.
The above points notwithstanding, I pulled my futon across the living room to the computer, installed all the HighJoy software and opened a chat with Miss Meg.
Jefferson popped up from Paris.
Jefferson: Hey, lover. Looks like I’ll be free on the days we looked at for your next visit. So come on over!
Madeline: I may just! And now I’m going to put a vibrator in my cunt while Meg controls it remotely. Wanna help?
Jefferson: I’d love to help, but I think I am going back to bed for a few. Kisses, you drunk dyke of my heart.
Madeline: I am NOT drunk.
I closed the chat window and turned to Meg, who had signed into HighJoy. We opened a one-on-one session.
madeline: okay, so i'm wondering what to do with this control panel. can you open it at the bottom?
meg: i sure can
meg: ok, so purple side = shaft, pink side = tickler?
madeline: i guess. try something
madeline: okay, thats the shaft
madeline: it's like a drill gone berserk
meg: but that should be slow, right?
meg: where it's at now
madeline: that’s really nice
meg: see, this is hard because i can't like, hear or see you know?
(turns on her webcam)
meg: aw shit
madeline: i do't think you can hear me
meg: i can't
madeline: we could skype
meg: how did that change the tickler?
madeline: dude the lights are giong all over
madeline: i'm laught
meg: i see you!
madeline: i can hear you
madeline: yeah, talk dirty to me
madeline: please don't
madeline: i'll laugh
madeline: hang on
madeline: you can hear me with my headphones, maybe
madeline: as i search for them with a rabbit between my legs
madeline: fuck it, i'm getting the ibook
madeline: let's skype
madeline: one sec
meg: do i see glasses?
madeline: cos soon i'm not going to be able to type.
madeline: yes, glasses!
meg: ha, right
meg: dude, that's hot
We messed around, Meg working the controls from her computer, me trying to get a good angle on my couch halfway across the country. My laptop was next to my head on a coffee table and suddenly the Rabbit controls just stopped working. Just. Stopped. The internet connection wasn’t working at all.
I’ve still not given up on the Rabbit, but I’m less and less convinced that this particular model by that particular sex toy manufacturer (ahem, initials D.J.) is for me. Sucks, because after all, the Internet is a series of tubes made for jerking off. That's not going to keep me from trying others, though. I am nothing if not persistent in my quest for pleasure. Maybe I'll try one like Meg's. Maybe a shorter one. Maybe one from a different manufacturer.
I was getting frustrated. I needed to get off and this was not doing it.
“Fuck this,” I said, “are you wearing your new toy?”
“Sure am. And I’ve had two Guinnesses. Feeling good.”
“Awesome. I’m gonna finish myself off with something else.”
And in the darkness of my living room, with the soft sounds of Meg’s breathing as my soundtrack, we quietly jerked off together. I brought myself to the edge and backed away, loving the sensation of my hips moving on their own, desperate for the orgasm building up inside, rooting and writhing and stretching to get to it.
“Ahmmmnnnuh Cum,” I whispered, just to let her know.